I slept in until 9am this morning, the latest I've gotten up in a very long time. Got dressed and took Kazé for an extended morning constitutional – and even picked-up his poop. I did a lot of thinking during the walk – especially as I passed properties that are being fixed-up. I don’t know what I should do – save the money it would take to fix this place up, knowing I will leave it in a couple of months, or try like crazy to keep this house and them put in some money and sweat equity to fix some of its problems. This house means the world to me – there’s no denying that if I had a choice I would stay here. I have lived in this house longer than at any other address and every nook & cranny is filled with memory. I watched my boys grow into men here, nurtured an entire cadre of rented kinds within these walls. This house is home for me – Erhard and I began our new life here in Rockford at a different address, but considered this house our true Rockford home. Now the thought of leaving it behind because I've lost it to the bank is heartbreaking. Every time I think I’m over it – and ready to move on something pulls me back here. It feels like another death of family event.
On top of that I have been informed by Muzyka Funeral Home that my beloved brother (Steve’s) cremains are finally back (he donated his body to medical research following his death from the autoimmune syndrome know as Wegener’s Granulomatous). I have waited 2½ years for him to return and now I can’t ransom his ashes because I don’t have the $225.00 required to close-out my account with the funeral home. I don’t blame them – they handled all the arrangements and transport beautifully and deserve to get paid – I just don’t have the money. I want him home. I have my mother’s and Erhard’s ashes and have always imagined interring them all together. But I cannot conjure money out of thin air and although I am taking on as many hours at work as I can get I am just beginning to break even and being able to support myself somewhat.
I pray every day that my story makes it out there and that serendipity is generous. I want to turn back the clock to a time when I was the “fairygodmama” to others – helping them in their time of need or want. I know that once I can I will do it again. But right now I am the one in need and this is the only forum I know of that might prove my solution.