MORNING RUMINATIONS

One of the saddest parts about breaking up with someone is the fact that all sorts of protocols now go into effect that don’t trigger if a partner dies. For one there is the sudden loss of each other’s families & friends as contact between you and them slows to a trickle or stops altogether because where there was once loving ease it has been replaced by a fearful awkwardness. The inevitable questions regarding what to do with little mementos of your time together – do you take down all the pictures and get rid of the stuffed animals and such? Since most of these are connected with a memory is it necessary to purge all thoughts of the others’ existence? What about the silence that overtakes you as you censor talk of memories and past events that might be triggered by a song, or a place? When someone dies none of that is a concern – keeping the traces of that relationship alive are perfectly acceptable… not so when the relationship simply ends.

I am a fish out of water here as I try to negotiate the subtleties of life after relationship. It is especially difficult if the decision to separate was not based on a lack of love but on something less definable – respect, trust, even the warm fuzzies that are now sadly missing. Not every relationship that ends brings with it an immediate sense of glorious independence – some simply leave one feeling hollowed-out and sad. And God forbid one has a clear picture of what the time of togetherness was like when things were good. Suddenly good memories become crushing weights of mourning. And what if you really don’t want to let completely go? I know from recent experience that it can cause those around you to bristle with disapproval as they try to protect you from the fallout of emotions.

Death, by comparison, can be more straightforward and tender. When Erhard died my missing him was comforted, talk of him encouraged, and reminders of our time together freely expressed by those around me. I didn’t have to hide the fact that my emotions didn’t abbreviate that day he left. I was never asked to do my best to forget him. I didn’t have to deal with the sadness of knowing that my decision had resulted in so many others’ change of opinion about him. Bottom line, I didn’t have to mount any sort of defense against it because there simply was none possible. When you lose someone to death all decision about their presence is ripped from your hands and you are simply left with a new reality. There are no personal recriminations of “if only I had said this…” (at least none that would magically erase the absence). Magical thinking soon gives way to harsh reality.

When a relationship ends, on the other hand, all those “would haves, could haves, should haves can haunt you for weeks and months and beyond. And the more you fall into your sadness the less your loved ones understand the reaction. It is rare indeed for someone to say to a recent widow, “you’re better off without them” or “now you can move on with your life”. We intrinsically know that ideas such as this are mirages – futile attempts to comfort the grieving. But leave a relationship and those very same recommendations are offered up by nearly everyone. As if the edges of those words fall less sharply after a break-up. Perhaps we all need to learn to gentle our contributions to the post-relationship conversation no matter the cause of its conclusion…

******************************************************

I was surprised by this "memory" showing up now... this was 2-years ago. I went back and stayed another 18mos. It's now been six months and I have all sorts of medical issues and financial details to keep me busy.

I am still sad, still miss the times it was good, but although the timing of this previous entry is coincidental it definitely makes me thank God for every moment of my new life.