Saturday, February 20, 2016

random thoughts

February 20thI have unwrapped one of the e-cigarettes and will take it along with me when I leave for work.  I’m not sure why this feels so scary – after all it does contain nicotine and I will only be gone from home for about 10-hours and I’ve gone longer without an actual cigarette.  But I am suddenly pushing myself in all these different directions and maybe that’s what’s causing all of the apprehension on my part.  But if not now – then when?  I want this year to be something that when I look back I can continue to see real movement forward.  I love my life as it is – yet if I just stay put eventually I will grow restless again. I am already fidgeting in my current situation & that is a good sign that it’s time to do something.
It’s really beautiful outside – sunny and mild for this time of year.  The winds have finally calmed as well so I won’t have to fear getting blown over as I leave a location.  Since I will have such a long wait after work I think I will walk over to Beef-A-Roo and have dinner before walking back to the bus-stop.  I would go browsing but since Big Lots moved out of the mall I have little desire to go hunting about at the other shops.  Although at last glance some business did move into its space – and perhaps when I pass it this morning I can get a better sense of just what that is.  I’ll take my breakfast and lunch with me – I simply didn’t feel like eating this morning.  I was so tired last night that I went to bed before 10pm – too much protein and chocolate!  Today it’s up to me to get back my nutritional stride and plan well.  My OCD is in overdrive this morning for reasons unknown to me – but I can feel the underlying tension and so I took an extra Prozac this morning.  I hate this edgy feeling – as if something bad is lurking just around the corner but I just can’t see it yet or avoid its snare despite my efforts.

Work went well – I am 3rd in the store behind Matt Crawford & Nancy Johnson and 17th in the district – and added $180 in PPPs & TDS to my total today.  Went over to Beef-A-Roo after work and had an Avocado Turkey Jack sandwich and Cream of Broccoli soup for dinner.  I got home about 6:20pm and have been putzing on the computer ever since.  I am having an enjoyable evening and in the background watching programs on the Weather Channel.  I need to wait until Monday to see what I have available on CVS.com – the site is having technical difficulties & the information is all scrambled.  I’m now sort-of watching Dateline Mystery Saturday.  Every so often I walk into the kitchen and snatch another piece of chocolate.

Thursday, December 31, 2015

New Year's Eve Thoughts...

December 31st last day of 2015 – New Year’s Eve – and the day has begun on a mixed note.  I am able to use Erich’s car to go to & from work and to go shopping at Schnucks after, I had a decadent breakfast of chicken salad and crackers and slept till 8am to boot.  Yet I am unable to reach the realtor on either her direct line or her cell phone and have left messages on both.  I’m a bundle of nerves surrounding the issue of money even while the rest of my life is positively fine!  I am looking forward to a wonderful New Year!  Just looking around me I am reminded at all points about how blessed this year has been.  Where I am today looks nothing like where I was a year ago.  Over the course of the year I started a new job, took my GRE, learned to live alone and even moved into my very own apartment, became a biological grandmother for the first time to an amazing little boy named Jackson, and lost almost 20 more pounds.

I returned to my faith community and began to find peace with the ghosts of the past, allowing me to bring them along as memories not agonies.  My children and rented children have also done well this year – new jobs, new homes; new experiences with the loves they brought along.  I am amazed at how bountiful the blessings have been – we are all farther along on our journeys than were this time last year – who could ask for better?